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Moving da blog….

Hello! I have good reason to believe that my abusers or other foo members have been reading this blog, so I am creating a new one. This is no surprise to me as the abusers relish in spying on me and in the past have thrown away or destroyed my personal writings. Besides, I used a username I’ve used in the past, which wasn’t all that smart to begin with. So I’m not really mad. It’s just a pain to start over again, because that is what I’ve been doing my entire life.

If you are interested in stopping by the new blog please let me know, or contact me by e-mail.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone for the support, suggestions, and camaraderie you have shown me. It’s is such a relief and revelation to have found you all!

I’m leaving everything up here and will still be checking in because there are so many good ideas, etc., and I’ll be working on the new place this week.

Toodles!

May your days be boring and unfettered.

May Hope give you the strength and courage to keep working, eating, and healing.

May Nature inspire your creativity.

May Love filter its way inside and light your being, or rush upwards and catch you by surprise.

May Grace lighten your burdens.

Saturday and Sunday were like a dream. It was difficult to speak or interact with my family, and later I noticed that the animals stayed away from me until last night when things began to clear up. All was very quiet inside, too, which was unnerving. It felt like I was existing between worlds, and back when I had faith in god/s I would take that to mean I was having some special vision/experience, etc.. Now I take it to mean something or someone is amiss and perhaps needs some attention.

The bipolar diagnosis was more upsetting inside than I realized. I went numb at the psychiatrist’s office when he said that and figured it was just “one more thing” to deal with. Inside it felt like the DID system was not being validated, so it became silent. I needed to reassure each part (that I know about) that it was not an invalidation, but just a little something else we picked up along the way. That was exhausting but it really helped. By Sunday evening my mind was clearer and more in control and then I fell fast asleep.

A particularly disturbing memory came through yesterday and for the first time I felt someone clearly saying “See? Why would you make this shit up?”, and then I lost it. It was good, though, because it’s putting me back on track. Today I’ll get back to the internal work I started, have a meeting in my safe space, work to dissociate less, and use the coping skills. That’s the plan anyway. It’s such a rollercoaster ride.

Okay, back to work. Inside and outside….

Well I suppose the title of the post says it all for today. The three disorders can exist together, and in many ways it all makes sense. Yet I wonder if it’s all true.

My psychiatrist spent 1&1/2 hours with me, had me take five tests, and thoroughly discussed his reasons for the rapid cycling bipolar disorder diagnosis. He sent me home with the names of several medications and asked me to research them, consult my husband, and decide which one to start with. It’s a matter of what is best for my lifestyle at this time. He believes that when we find the right medicine we will notice major improvements, and be able to stop other medications.

I hope at my next therapy session we can sort all of this out and make a plan to attack all three fronts.

Sorry I’m so fruity and loopy. I’m trying to make sense of everything.

4/15/10

I was just trying to recap the past 7 days: Dumped by doctor, arthritis flare-up (ouch), fun with flashbacks, DID crap, and the psychiatrist I saw today believes I am bipolar and won’t prescribe anything until my next appointment, and I did something bad. It’s so frustrating. He didn’t dispute the DID, just added the bipolar and talked about hospitalization.

No one (including me) seems to know what’s going on or what to do about me. Maybe I need to shut down and rest. Maybe I’ve got information overload, maybe everything is all crap and none of this is real.

At least my therapist and the psychiatrist will be talking to each other.

We are watching “Ponyo” right now. Sweetest movie since “My Neighbor Totoro”.

Okay…..here’s Ponyo:

and Totoro with the girls:

Have a nice evening.

I’m hating all this

If I could do therapy my way I would regurgitate all the memories up and deal with them all at once. I would make all the ones inside say their piece and go back from where they came. Then I would get on with my life, such as it is.

Therapist: “You seem distracted today. How are you feeling?

Me: “I’ve been writing down the memories from the other parts, but I never re-read them, and I wonder whether or not I’m supposed to tell you. The words I hear are filthy, the things that happened are disgusting, and I can’t believe someone would do that to a child.”

I worked really hard to stay aware today and it was a major battle. We discussed going through those memories and bringing them out again, but she wants to go gently, not be overwhelmed, and have better control of my coping skills. That sounds reasonable, but I want it out now. For the first time my therapist used the word “alters”. Inside, some were screaming “Bullshit!”, and others were in tears. Many of them seem to be aware of their function, some are not. It’s so tiring and frustrating. I already have three children, so why do I now have to take care of these guys? Enough already.

Tomorrow afternoon I meet with the psychiatrist and I’ve started a list of questions for him and what I feel I need from him. My therapist will try and get a hold of him beforehand.

What the f*** is this all about anyway? What am I actually doing? How did I get here? I looked over my journal entries between Dec. 2009 and Feb. 2010 and noticed the progression from dealing with persistent flashbacks/memories to actual personalities. It’s great I’m able to use the coping skills to help control some things, but what if this is all crap? (I hear you, Hadassah, and I will go back over the “what if’s” when I feel more calm. You are absolutely right about those.)

Stupid me, I went and bought alcohol on the way home, but I left it in the car.

I can’t write exactly how it feels and I don’t know where to find the words. Why are we all hurting so much? I mean even on the other blogs I read. People are in pain and is it really helping to write about it here?

My house is a mess. Nothing is getting done this week. I need to get my butt in gear. I’m not even going to re-read this, but I wanted to write something.

Oh, I wanted to add a picture (it’s 2 hours later):

Scatterbrained

Okay……

1. I made a list of triggers and gave a copy to my therapist. That way I may learn what triggers me internally and externally.

* I’m afraid to look at the list because I went bonkers when I wrote it. So what good is it?

2. Dumped my pdoc and have an appointment with a new pdoc. I feel empowered.

* Some of my prescriptions will be running out soon for my maintainance drugs and I’m afraid to call the old     pdoc because I don’t think he will write new ones.

3. Finally got an appointment with a psychiatrist.

* What if he won’t give me what I feel I need (Xanax for just a little bit longer, a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant)? What if he sends me to the hospital because of my self-abusive tendencies, suicidal tendencies, or doesn’t agree with my diagnosis?

Thinking….thinking…..worrying…..scared…..nervous…..apprehensive….

Shaking….rocking….tapping….sweating….picking….scratching….

Crying….retching….coughing….

Ugh.

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