Saturday and Sunday were like a dream. It was difficult to speak or interact with my family, and later I noticed that the animals stayed away from me until last night when things began to clear up. All was very quiet inside, too, which was unnerving. It felt like I was existing between worlds, and back when I had faith in god/s I would take that to mean I was having some special vision/experience, etc.. Now I take it to mean something or someone is amiss and perhaps needs some attention.
The bipolar diagnosis was more upsetting inside than I realized. I went numb at the psychiatrist’s office when he said that and figured it was just “one more thing” to deal with. Inside it felt like the DID system was not being validated, so it became silent. I needed to reassure each part (that I know about) that it was not an invalidation, but just a little something else we picked up along the way. That was exhausting but it really helped. By Sunday evening my mind was clearer and more in control and then I fell fast asleep.
A particularly disturbing memory came through yesterday and for the first time I felt someone clearly saying “See? Why would you make this shit up?”, and then I lost it. It was good, though, because it’s putting me back on track. Today I’ll get back to the internal work I started, have a meeting in my safe space, work to dissociate less, and use the coping skills. That’s the plan anyway. It’s such a rollercoaster ride.
Well I suppose the title of the post says it all for today. The three disorders can exist together, and in many ways it all makes sense. Yet I wonder if it’s all true.
My psychiatrist spent 1&1/2 hours with me, had me take five tests, and thoroughly discussed his reasons for the rapid cycling bipolar disorder diagnosis. He sent me home with the names of several medications and asked me to research them, consult my husband, and decide which one to start with. It’s a matter of what is best for my lifestyle at this time. He believes that when we find the right medicine we will notice major improvements, and be able to stop other medications.
I hope at my next therapy session we can sort all of this out and make a plan to attack all three fronts.
Sorry I’m so fruity and loopy. I’m trying to make sense of everything.
I was just trying to recap the past 7 days: Dumped by doctor, arthritis flare-up (ouch), fun with flashbacks, DID crap, and the psychiatrist I saw today believes I am bipolar and won’t prescribe anything until my next appointment, and I did something bad. It’s so frustrating. He didn’t dispute the DID, just added the bipolar and talked about hospitalization.
No one (including me) seems to know what’s going on or what to do about me. Maybe I need to shut down and rest. Maybe I’ve got information overload, maybe everything is all crap and none of this is real.
At least my therapist and the psychiatrist will be talking to each other.
We are watching “Ponyo” right now. Sweetest movie since “My Neighbor Totoro”.
If I could do therapy my way I would regurgitate all the memories up and deal with them all at once. I would make all the ones inside say their piece and go back from where they came. Then I would get on with my life, such as it is.
Therapist: “You seem distracted today. How are you feeling?
Me: “I’ve been writing down the memories from the other parts, but I never re-read them, and I wonder whether or not I’m supposed to tell you. The words I hear are filthy, the things that happened are disgusting, and I can’t believe someone would do that to a child.”
I worked really hard to stay aware today and it was a major battle. We discussed going through those memories and bringing them out again, but she wants to go gently, not be overwhelmed, and have better control of my coping skills. That sounds reasonable, but I want it out now. For the first time my therapist used the word “alters”. Inside, some were screaming “Bullshit!”, and others were in tears. Many of them seem to be aware of their function, some are not. It’s so tiring and frustrating. I already have three children, so why do I now have to take care of these guys? Enough already.
Tomorrow afternoon I meet with the psychiatrist and I’ve started a list of questions for him and what I feel I need from him. My therapist will try and get a hold of him beforehand.
What the f*** is this all about anyway? What am I actually doing? How did I get here? I looked over my journal entries between Dec. 2009 and Feb. 2010 and noticed the progression from dealing with persistent flashbacks/memories to actual personalities. It’s great I’m able to use the coping skills to help control some things, but what if this is all crap? (I hear you, Hadassah, and I will go back over the “what if’s” when I feel more calm. You are absolutely right about those.)
Stupid me, I went and bought alcohol on the way home, but I left it in the car.
I can’t write exactly how it feels and I don’t know where to find the words. Why are we all hurting so much? I mean even on the other blogs I read. People are in pain and is it really helping to write about it here?
My house is a mess. Nothing is getting done this week. I need to get my butt in gear. I’m not even going to re-read this, but I wanted to write something.
Oh, I wanted to add a picture (it’s 2 hours later):
1. I made a list of triggers and gave a copy to my therapist. That way I may learn what triggers me internally and externally.
* I’m afraid to look at the list because I went bonkers when I wrote it. So what good is it?
2. Dumped my pdoc and have an appointment with a new pdoc. I feel empowered.
* Some of my prescriptions will be running out soon for my maintainance drugs and I’m afraid to call the old    pdoc because I don’t think he will write new ones.
3. Finally got an appointment with a psychiatrist.
* What if he won’t give me what I feel I need (Xanax for just a little bit longer, a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant)? What if he sends me to the hospital because of my self-abusive tendencies, suicidal tendencies, or doesn’t agree with my diagnosis?
We really like the family clinic we go to here. It’s affiliated with a hospital and that has helped tremendously in the past. Over the past 11 months there have been some staff changes and last month we were turned over to our third doctor in less than a year. This new doctor seemed very nice and concerned but has not followed through on anything. He has talked and faxed with my therapist, promised to help me, said he was going to change medications, and would be happy to work with the therapist and a psychiatrist.
Nothing has happened. I dropped off a letter on 3/31 politely asking what, if any, medications would be changed (he said he was going to do this on 3/8). No response. On 4/2 I left a very polite phone message with the front desk. No response. Yesterday I dropped off a short note in case he had not received my previous messages and it was also very polite (“Please advise me about what I need to do when you have the time.”). Late yesterday afternoon a nurse calls and tells me he does not feel comfortable treating me with DID (he became aware of the diagnosis 11 days ago) and is setting me up with a psychiatrist of his choice. Screw that.
So, after the throwing of many kitchen objects, the taking of the Xanax, and the call to the therapist regarding the doctor’s response I finally calmed down. My therapist was worried about me and upset with the doctor and gave me a number to call for one psychiatrist while she tracks down the one she really wants me to go to (unless I really like the first one). My hubby is furious and wants to tell him off (he was really showing his NYC Italian colors last night – my little wop!), but we decided to compose a very polite letter, with dates, times, etc., explaining why we feel the doctor is irresponsible, unreliable, blah-blah. We will mail it to him, his superior, the clinic office manager, and the CEO of the hospital. That’s all. We won’t be nasty, we’ll just lay out the facts.
In less than an hour I am going to call a doctor I’ve heard of who is accepting new patients. She is in the same building as two of my other doctors, so I hope it works out.
I’m really fighting to not self-injure or accidentally take out my frustration (and my “Why does everyone I trust leave me?” issues) on the kids or innocent bystanders. I already did something stupid last night and I don’t want to do anything else stupid because one doctor dumps me.
Earlier this week I was reading in The Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook about how to disclose your DID to doctors. My therapist did it for me this time, but now I’m wondering whether I should tell a new doctor, or just have a psychiatrist know. I’m feeling like “See? You should have just kept your mouth shut!” inside. And unfortunately the call from the nurse unleashed a host of memories I wasn’t really ready for. It sucks. I saw this picture this morning and decided I feel like this way right now – pissed off, abandoned, and lonely:
Well, in other news, if you enjoyed “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-Long Blog” by Joss Whedon (now on DVD!) someone made a theoretical 8-bit video game. How awesome is that? Actually, it’s about this awesome:
This is what I first drew to begin creating a safe space inside:
It’s changed since then and I won’t post what the picture is now, but the more aware I am of my different parts the more the space needs to change. There is infinite room, and an unending supply of food, toys, and cappuccino.
Therapy is this morning and I just wanted to put that first picture up to give an idea of how I started. Now I am going to pace around the house until I leave. What fun!
My mother called last night to warn me that her brother (in his 70’s) might call and ask for money or a place to stay. Okay, whatever. Then she proceeded to tell me about how it wasn’t fair that way her brother treated his family and that because of his abuse he has alienated his family, children, and grandchildren. “No one should be subject to such abuse.” were her words. I was soooooo tempted to ask why it was okay to let your daughters be sexually abused even after you ask her to stop him, why it’s okay to verbally abuse your daughter and break her down to nothing, why it’s okay to neglect your daughter and withold (or force) food, affection, etc.. I could go on, but there’s no point. I’ve even brought these things up in adulthood and she never answers me, just looks away and changes the subject. She used to call me up about every 6 months and say, “I’m sorry! You were the experiment!.” Seriously. I don’t even want to know what that means so I’ve never asked. I no longer initiate any contact with her or any member of my family of origin. She is still trying to worm her way in, but I’m in control now and I think she is looking for a place to live when my father drops dead. She has asked us many times before and we keep saying no, no, no, but she doesn’t listen. So last night’s phone call was all about how a family should be respected and loved and when the parent is gone they should be taken care of……..blah, blah, blah. There is no point in explaining to her that she has no family right now because of her own actions. One of my favorite quotes is by Frank Herbert, “What do you fear most? By this you are known.”.
Enough about that creature. In therapy yesterday I ended up on the floor, crying a bit and babbling. My therapist asked me to create a safe space for the others to go to so I can relax. When I try to relax it just gets louder inside (this was going on before the DID diagnosis), my heart pounds and I sweat a lot. So, I’m drawing pictures of a safe space inside.
Another one came through last night. She has been trying for a couple of days, but I could feel her sadness and despair and was not ready to deal with it. I think she got through because I felt beaten after therapy, my first sewing class, and my mother’s phone call.
No one else is awake yet, so maybe I’ll work on my safe space picture and talk to the new girl in my journal. I need to make this weekend a positive one for me and my family, inside and out.
I don’t smoke anymore, but I do feel like this right now:
Part One of school spring break starts today and I’m frozen and feel nothing. It’s very quiet, but I feel strong emotions and maybe memories pressing against this wall (or whatever it is) to no avail. I think MomBot is back. The school my son goes to starts break, and then the girls have their break in two weeks. I’m sure this is a protective reaction, but it’s unnerving. I’m in the backseat, writing this post, and MomBot will be out and about for the next 12 days, I’m guessing. I’m not fighting it this time and I wonder if that means I will not be as aware as I was in NYC. It’s too tiring to constantly fight to be aware of everything and have little control over anything.
Tomorrow is my first sewing lesson, and maybe it’s good to be MomBot since she is more secure and follows directions. Hmmm….but will I forget what I learn? Nah, doubt it.
Hey! A dog threw up! I think……gotta go. Here is today’s Public Service Announcement:
Everything is swirling today. The entire morning was lost, I self-injured ( by re-enacting the abuse) and couldn’t stop, I’m crying on-and-off, I didn’t eat, my heart is pounding and I’m popping Xanax like crazy. It’s not an emergency. I’m not in danger of doing anything spectacularly stupid, but I’m having trouble getting a grip, so I thought I’d write it down and see if this helps. I did write in my journal and it looks like scribbling. Maybe if I sit here, force myself to eat, type a little, etc., I will calm down or something. I can barely hear my kids talking, I’m afraid to answer the phone, I nearly shouted “I’ve got DID!” while volunteering at school today, and I found myself in a coffee shop this afternoon. It looks like everything is where it should be and the only things I bought were hair products and mocha coffee. The dogs are calm and I am remembering to breathe.
Loopy…….
I know what brought this on, but it doesn’t help to rethink it or forget it, and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s a certain day today and it usually makes me loopy, but not this loopy.
The day is nearly done and I’m getting through it in one piece which is good.
“Law and Order: CI” is on tonight (a repeat) with Nicole, Goren’s nemesis. I’d like to stay up and watch it with hubby-man, but I feel urges I need to stomp on before they take over again.
Okay, typing helped a little as well as the food, and I think the Xanax is starting to kick in again. Now to find some activity to immerse myself in and try to stay in control.
Controlled Chaos 