Morning program at the school

My 2nd grader’s school has Morning Program every school day. The entire school and many family members come together from 8:10 – 8:30am to sing, make announcements, recite the pledge, perform short plays, have visits from the police or fire departments, read the weather, sports, etc., and I try to go 3-4 times a month at least. This morning I went because my daughter had won a local weather contest and was going to read a poem.

Towards the end of today’s program the school counselor went up with about nine 2nd grade helpers and began talking about “right” and “wrong” with help from the students. This led to a short talk about right and wrong touching, and what to do if you feel you are being touched the wrong way. The 2nd grade helpers held up signs reading “No”, “Go”, and “Tell”. Then three other helpers held up signs reading “We are strong!”, “We are smart!”, and “We have the right to be safe!” and the entire school shouted out the words from those last three signs over and over.

It was so hard not to start crying, screaming, etc.. I looked around just a little and you could see some of the other parents and grandparents a little unsure about what to make of this. All I could think of was how I wished I had gotten this message and support when I was in grade school, and how glad I was that my younger children go to this school.

I thought it was great and I’m debating whether or not to say something to the school counselor. She helped my older daughter (and myself) when she started to have anxiety problems and we worked together to get her back on track. My daughter has GAD, but she is a completely changed kid from two years ago, and has managed remarkably well.

It was an unexpected surprise to hear those words so unabashedly shouted by so many kids. I really hope little things like that help any children who may be feeling like they have nowhere to turn. Six months ago had I heard that in her school I would have been mad, ashamed, etc., but that made me proud, especially as I watched my daughter yelling it at the top of her lungs.

That’s all.

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Therapy, mom, and newbies…

My mother called last night to warn me that her brother (in his 70’s) might call and ask for money or a place to stay. Okay, whatever. Then she proceeded to tell me about how it wasn’t fair that way her brother treated his family and that because of his abuse he has alienated his family, children, and grandchildren. “No one should be subject to such abuse.” were her words. I was soooooo tempted to ask why it was okay to let your daughters be sexually abused even after you ask her to stop him, why it’s okay to verbally abuse your daughter and break her down to nothing, why it’s okay to neglect your daughter and withold (or force) food, affection, etc.. I could go on, but there’s no point. I’ve even brought these things up in adulthood and she never answers me, just looks away and changes the subject. She used to call me up about every 6 months and say, “I’m sorry! You were the experiment!.” Seriously. I don’t even want to know what that means so I’ve never asked. I no longer initiate any contact with her or any member of my family of origin. She is still trying to worm her way in, but I’m in control now and I think she is looking for a place to live when my father drops dead. She has asked us many times before and we keep saying no, no, no, but she doesn’t listen. So last night’s phone call was all about how a family should be respected and loved and when the parent is gone they should be taken care of……..blah, blah, blah. There is no point in explaining to her that she has no family right now because of her own actions. One of my favorite quotes is by Frank Herbert, “What do you fear most? By this you are known.”.

Enough about that creature. In therapy yesterday I ended up on the floor, crying a bit and babbling. My therapist asked me to create a safe space for the others to go to so I can relax. When I try to relax it just gets louder inside (this was going on before the DID diagnosis), my heart pounds and I sweat a lot. So, I’m drawing pictures of a safe space inside.

Another one came through last night. She has been trying for a couple of days, but I could feel her sadness and despair and was not ready to deal with it. I think she got through because I felt beaten after therapy, my first sewing class, and my mother’s phone call.

No one else is awake yet, so maybe I’ll work on my safe space picture and talk to the new girl in my journal. I need to make this weekend a positive one for me and my family, inside and out.

I don’t smoke anymore, but I do feel like this right now:

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The Return of MomBot

Part One of school spring break starts today and I’m frozen and feel nothing. It’s very quiet, but I feel strong emotions and maybe memories pressing against this wall (or whatever it is) to no avail. I think MomBot is back. The school my son goes to starts break, and then the girls have their break in two weeks. I’m sure this is a protective reaction, but it’s unnerving. I’m in the backseat, writing this post, and MomBot will be out and about for the next 12 days, I’m guessing. I’m not fighting it this time and I wonder if that means I will not be as aware as I was in NYC. It’s too tiring to constantly fight to be aware of everything and have little control over anything.

Tomorrow is my first sewing lesson, and maybe it’s good to be MomBot since she is more secure and follows directions. Hmmm….but will I forget what I learn? Nah, doubt it.

Hey! A dog threw up! I think……gotta go. Here is today’s Public Service Announcement:

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Another day, another appointment….

I got an “A” for effort in therapy today! Whee! We went over a “trigger list” I wrote with the help of an alter (I’m using the word now) that is very self-destructive and keeps re-enacting the abuse, inside and outside. My therapist would like me to make a plan for the triggers I can expect at certain times or places and keep working on coping techniques for those I can’t control.

Today we laughed a lot, which was nice. I was proving to her how nearly everything can be related to “Star Trek” and we came up with names for overbearing male psychologists/psychiatrists, and how I wish the voices/memories/alters would please take a number and wait until they are called forward rather than so many talking at once. She has spoken with my family physician and told him about the DID and she said he was quite aware and compassionate about the diagnosis. Hopefully he will call in a couple of new prescriptions today.

During the day I lose between 2 and 5 hours in Dissociation Land. I forget to eat, take care of basic things etc., so I’m going to try setting my cell phone alarm during the day. It may help with the grounding and focusing and general internal chaos. She seems concerned about safety, which another wise DID blogger said was one of the main reasons DIDers are hospitalized. My husband has taken all of the narcotic pain medicines and hidden them as of this morning. We discussed my self-injurious behaviors, but didn’t reach any concrete decision so I go back Friday morning to see her.

Enough about me and this and that stuff. I don’t want this blog to be so self-centered, but it really helps to write out what’s going on and I LOVE the responses, suggestions, and constructive criticisms as I move along. Thank you, thank you, thank you! You are my angels…

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Internal communication

There is someone inside that is hurting and she takes out her pain on herself. No surprise there. As I was writing to her in my journal she became very quiet, began crying (as did I), and another part went to be with her. The other part I have always called Oracle since I was a little girl. It’s a very calm, wise part and if I relax I can sense it and ask it questions, etc.. This is the second time this week Oracle has done this. It’s even trying to make sure I don’t become upset by what’s happening (sending comforting feelings, etc.). My therapist and I talked about Oracle early on in our sessions late last year. I thought it was the calm, cool part of everyone that keeps them going, and that everyone had something like Oracle inside them. I wonder what Oracle really is, though. If Oracle is the real me that’s been stuffed down all these years then do I need to integrate with it? I’m not even thinking about integration now. I just try to get through the day.

I was writing in my journal and now I’m not. The internal communication I initiated this morning has stopped and I don’t know what that means. Tomorrow is my therapy appointment so I’ll ask then. This is infinitely better than losing control and self-injuring, but I don’t understand how Oracle can communicate with an alter without my cooperation. It is a very Zen-like feeling, letting someone else inside help with the healing.

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Trying to get a grip here…

Everything is swirling today. The entire morning was lost, I self-injured ( by re-enacting the abuse) and couldn’t stop, I’m crying on-and-off, I didn’t eat, my heart is pounding and I’m popping Xanax like crazy. It’s not an emergency. I’m not in danger of doing anything spectacularly stupid, but I’m having trouble getting a grip, so I thought I’d write it down and see if this helps. I did write in my journal and it looks like scribbling. Maybe if I sit here, force myself to eat, type a little, etc., I will calm down or something. I can barely hear my kids talking, I’m afraid to answer the phone, I nearly shouted “I’ve got DID!” while volunteering at school today, and I found myself in a coffee shop this afternoon. It looks like everything is where it should be and the only things I bought were hair products and mocha coffee. The dogs are calm and I am remembering to breathe.

Loopy…….

I know what brought this on, but it doesn’t help to rethink it or forget it, and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s a certain day today and it usually makes me loopy, but not this loopy.

The day is nearly done and I’m getting through it in one piece which is good.

“Law and Order: CI” is on tonight (a repeat) with Nicole, Goren’s nemesis. I’d like to stay up and watch it with hubby-man, but I feel urges I need to stomp on before they take over again.

Okay, typing helped a little as well as the food, and I think the Xanax is starting to kick in again. Now to find some activity to immerse myself in and try to stay in control.

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Getting to Know You…..(you add the music)

There really are others inside me. I keep finding them, or vice versa. There are only two I’ve opened up communication with, but they have been the loudest over the past couple of months. Before the DID diagnosis I was talking to and trying to soothe the flashbacks, but they aren’t just flashbacks. I think if I write out what is happening inside it will become easier to digest and deal with. One particularly nasty memory (alter now, although I still haven’t been using that word)  kept yelling a word over and over and I finally listened instead of trying to send soothing and safe feelings. She was yelling out her name over and over, and when I acknowledged it there came a flood of emotions and memories and her story. I was alone when it happened, writing in a journal, and I wrote it all down and sobbed and told her how sorry I was, etc.. It was quite the experience communicating with her and hearing her responses independent of my own thoughts. I have found that I can talk to her while I’m doing other things, and I want her to know she is safe, so I show her around the house, my family, the pets, etc., and she has calmed down quite a bit. This is only the third day I’ve even known she exists, but I felt it was quite a breakthrough and I feel okay with that. I have no idea (per usual) if this is how I should go about things, but it seemed to make a difference, and she filled in some personal history gaps which is always good.

She isn’t alone and has been protecting someone else. This picture is a good representation of her job inside:

I ordered two books from Amazon on Friday – Got Parts? An Insider’s Guide to Managing Life Successfully with Dissociative Identity Disorder and The Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook. They both have excellent reviews from patients and therapists.

Starting this coming Thursday I will have one of my children home for spring break and I’m worried something could happen, or I might lose control, etc., and I’m starting to panic a little. I would like to have a plan in place by then should anything happen.

Okay, it’s snack time.

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Can’t think of a title today

My husband was comparing my memory lapses to his father’s this morning. I reminded him that his dad’s was due to a stroke and mine to a dissociative disorder. So…..I have put out the words “dissociative disorder” to him. Next I will add the “identity” word when I think it’s safe.

Yesterday afternoon was “Fun With Flashbacks” time, and because I opened myself up to all this healing the flashbacks, memories, and personalities (I don’t think I’m ready to call them alters yet) are becoming more disturbing. One in particular made me extremely angry and I was screaming at everything until my throat hurt, so I went to my room to try and calm down, but raged and sobbed instead. I don’t have a constructive outlet to release this kind of anger. Last June I quit drinking, I’m resisting the impulse (as best I can) to self-injure, I shouldn’t put holes in the walls, etc., and it’s frustrating. My husband came up with some good ideas last night, though, that I will try next time – play a hack-n-slash video game (Diablo 1 & 2, Bushido Blade, Onimusha, etc.), watch a movie about revenge (“Payback”, “Throne of Blood”, “Sword of Doom”, “Lucky Number Slevin”, etc.). Those sound pretty good.

He just left for work and the tingling is starting. I’m so frickin’ tired of losing day after day to this! Enough with the memories and shit. One normal day would be greatly appreciated. I don’t want to end up in the psych ward.

I like pictures when I don’t have words, so this is kind of how I feel, although she has a more confident look on her face than I do.

I really, really, really hate my life right now.

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Sleep! (with a little help)

Yesterday afternoon I tried initiating an internal conversation through writing as my therapist suggested. One of the memories (personalities) that has been reliving the same incident over and over felt like she responded. The major difference was that I consciously chose to interact rather than the pell-mell stuff that goes on in my head that I feel I can’t control. It felt like she asked for a stuffed animal, so I got one that I’ve had for over 9 years and has accompanied me during a birth and three surgeries. He gets more attention than I do at the hospital. I named him Gromace, but I know that’s not his real name. He’s from the Bugs Bunny cartoon with the evil scientist. Here he is:

Well I tried to send safe, loving thoughts to her at bedtime, and let her know she could hold him, too. I don’t know if that’s what I’m supposed to be doing, but I slept for 10 hours straight. It’s been months since I’ve slept through the night, so that was a real treat.

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Full and Empty at the Same Time

Hello. Last week my therapist suggested I try initiating internal conversations if I felt comfortable. I did try it, but I think I did it wrong by approaching it like a board meeting (“Okay everyone. Please move closer to the podium. You will all have a chance to speak.”). Not every part is aware of the other parts, and some parts feel stuck and play the same memory over and over. I guess I expected that if I sat down and thought “Alright then! Let’s take attendance and get to work!” everything would fall into place and I would be well on my way down the healing path. My therapist felt I had high hopes, but it may not be so easy.

The part of me that drove to therapy today, reads to the kids at school, and is typing right now feels overwhelmed and left out. It’s as if all the work was for nothing now that the truth is out. These other memories (personalities and what not) are full of emotions and the other part of me has so few. I have a list of emotions I refer to (from the appendix in Growing Beyond Survival) just to see if I can match the emotion to the word.  My therapist suggested that I choose one journal and try to communicate through writing. I’ve already shown her the poems, etc., that I found in other journals that I don’t remember writing over the past several months, and so that may be a way to start internal conversations.

I asked her if I would end up in a hospital, and she wanted to know how I felt about that, and I have to get rid of (or give to my husband) ALL the narcotic painkillers. I got rid of the bag I’d been stashing, but kept narcotic pain killers around in case anyone really got hurt here.

We also discussed integration, what to call the different parts, how to look at this diagnosis and new treatment direction as a positive thing, etc.. I thought the session went by rather quickly, but it turned out I dissociated through much of it. Oh well. Old habits die hard. It would be nice to be able to access my memories when I want to and have some sense of a linear history, though.

Anyhoo…..the part of me that feels overwhelmed and left out wants to do this to the rest of them……

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