Today I took a step towards ending contact with the abusers. I’ve tried before, but they always weasel their way back into my life somehow. We have very little to do with them as it is anyway. My husband is helping me a little this time, and I think we will be okay. At the same time I am totally flooded with flashbacks, memories, emotions, etc., that are very difficult to control. I had to pick up my youngest at school (she was sick) and I feel like I don’t have a safe place to go to. I’m nearly consumed by the urges to return to my old comfort compulsions and impulses, and I did give in to one and feel stupid and ashamed.
What I’m doing is a good, healthy thing. I would prefer they and everything they own explode, but this will have to do. It’s just amazingly painful and stressful. I wish it felt more like a relief.
Yeah it can be so tough trying to develop a new pattern of thinking, I feel you on that. The flashbacks are horrible but meditation or meridian tapping can help you release the emotions as and when they appear (the stress and anxiety is awful isnt it?!).
Dont lose courage, you are doing way better than you might think.
If it helps, make an action plan to help you keep unwanted people out of your life. “If X does or says this, I will say or do this.” Practice saying it out loud with your husband so you’ll feel more comfortable with it with time.
Peace and balance on your journey xoxox
Thanks for writing. I did try some “quieter” coping techniques, but they didn’t work well. Grr…. I thought I’d try something more physical (pillow-punching, exercise) and see if that helps.
Your action plan idea is great. After what I did today (I wrote them a letter) I know they will drive up here and try to visit, so I will talk to my husband about that. Thank you very much.
L
It’s a positive, but scary, thing to remove the abusers from your life. Go gently on yourself as you do it… I like Lola’s idea about practicing scenarios so that you feel comfortable with being more assertive should the need arise. But also take more care of yourself as you make the changes – remember that any change is stressful. Do lots of self-soothing strategies and taking it easy on yourself.
I’m sorry you fell back into, what I assume, was a negative coping strategy; but don’t be too hard on yourself… learn from it instead.
I hope your daughter feels better soon 🙂
Sending positive thoughts…
CG
It was a very negative thing I did, and I feel like crap, but tomorrow is another day…
My velcro-girl is doing much better since her french fries. She assured me they were the only thing that would really make her feel better.
Thanks for all of your support and positive thoughts.
L
Wait, are you feeling feelings?? How great is that!! I find the first few steps to healing is feeling and naming those feelings, so congrats, I’m still working on naming them, I’m clueless, I guess that’s why I post as Wordless. I got my abusers out of my life a few months back and I’ll be the first to tell you it’s not an easy thing to do, but it does take a Shit load of courage. I went thru ups and downs, relief, guilt, shame, questioning myself, and questioning what God thought about what I had done. I can look back now and see I made the right decision, We have to protect ourselves, we were never protected as children, it’s our responsibility to protect and heal that “little girl” inside. We would NEVER let abusers near our own children so why would we let them be near us?Abusers are sick, hurtful and hateful people and we have every right to distant ourselves from these monsters, they don’t deserve to have us in their lives.Sorry if I’m ranting. I’m sorry as well that you feel “stupid and ashamed” about returning to one of your old comfort impulses, but please show yourself some compassion. One of the best things my T ever said was “just because you fucked up doesn’t mean you’re a fuck up” (sorry for the language) Forgive yourself as you would one of your own children, oh wait, she is one of your little girls… Honor your pain, your terror, your flashbacks, your strength. Know I’m thinking of you, and I share your struggle. Thanks for sharing and making me not feel as alone as well.
Wordless
Thanks for sharing how you’re feeling about doing this also. Oh, and as far as feelings go, I don’t have a clue! Last night it felt like all of these different voices were trying to get through and I couldn’t differentiate them, and so many feelings that I couldn’t identify were rushing around, so I knocked myself out with some medicine and my MP3 player.
I’m glad you got the abusers out of your life. May they stay away! Mine won’t, so we’ll need to come up with an action plan like Lola suggested.
I thought I was going nuts with all of the voices in my head last night, and now that I’m awake I would like to sort them out, but they’re gone.
It is good (and kind of depressing) to know I’m not alone. I feel for you and what you’re going through, and hope you have strength, support, and tactical weapons 😉
Thanks again take care of yourself.
L
Good for you for breaking contact! I quit my family of origin 10 years ago and wish I had done it much, much sooner.
Here is few things I did for protection – I had the police department’s phone number close by in case I needed to give them a call if unwanted family members stopped by. I also called the local police and told them not to respond if a family member calls to see if I am OK. I refused all mail and packages, and got caller ID and never answered their calls. I even returned catalog purchases for free by calling the company and saying the sender was mentally ill and the company sent prepaid mailers.
It took a while to get over jumping at the ringing of the phone, but now I do not even think about answering it, well, except for those dang telemarketers!
Go for it, gal, you are worth it!
Thanks! We are doing the mail thing and screening calls thus far. I will agree to see them under my strict conditions at some time this year if they ask. I plan on it being the only visit for the year and I hope to get that over soon.
I feel much better since I sent them the letter, but I also know they were probably expecting it. They have been calling a lot and sending me e-mails, but I don’t answer the phone and I delete the e-mails. I fully expect them to try different ways to get into my life like they have before but we are prepared for that. They have already tried going through my in-laws, but my in-laws don’t like them to begin with.
It won’t end right away, but eventually it will end. I’m glad to know that you broke contact as well and feel very positive about it. That’s terrific!
L