I wake up after dreaming of being naked in a filthy bathroom and being fondled. I’m covered in sweat and my husband is making sure I’m okay.
I take a shower with the door locked, get dressed in clothes that completely cover me up.
I help get the kids ready for school and hubby for work.
They are gone, my brain knows this and begins with the sensation that I’m being fondled as I start my housework. I close the blinds because I’m paranoid and take some Xanax.
My head starts to tingle and I try some grounding techniques. A flashback hits and my head is reeling, so I find my safe place and accept the memory. I write it down and hopefully cry for a bit.
I think about what I need to discuss in therapy and try to remember to write it down. I run scenario after scenario in my mind about how the session might go, what she might say or do, etc.
Back to housework and I still feel like I’m being fondled constantly. I ask myself “Who is causing this and what do you need?”, and wait for any response. I talk to the memory, reassure it and the girl who experienced it, and go to write it down.
I talk out loud to myself about what I am doing and what I need to do next. If I have to drive I focus and think about all the different things that could happen and how I would react/respond to them.
Often I lose several hours over the course of the day, so I walk around the house to see what I’ve been up to.
The kids come home and I fight to remain in control, and probably take some more Xanax. I cook and help with homework. Hubby comes home and I fight to listen to him talk about his day and think about whether or not I will share mine. Usually not. I get the kids cleaned up and ready for bed.
Hubby either wants to relax and watch something together or have sex and I need to decide which it will be. If it’s sex I have to pretend I’m interested and enjoying it, but I don’t anymore. If it’s relaxing I have to try and focus so I don’t dissociate. Usually when I stop moving my brain thinks it’s time to dredge through more memories.
If my heart is pounding or my thoughts racing I take medicine to get me to sleep and plug into my MP3 player which has nature sounds to help me sleep.
I don’t know if it’s worth this work and frustration day after day. I never thought it could be so difficult trying to remain aware all day and trying not to dissociate. I don’t even know who I am, what I like, what I’m capable of, or what I want to do with my life.
Rant, rant, rant. Bitch, bitch, bitch.
This isn’t a rant, or a bitch… this is telling us how hard your life is at the moment. Please be gentle on yourself and allow yourself to voice how difficult it is.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing the flashbacks and dissociation…
I know it sounds too simplistic and minimising, but try to take it one moment at a time… Sometimes all we can do is look at the next moment in front of us, and that takes a huge amount of strength.
You’re doing good things with the soothing and distraction in amongst all the pain and confusion… well done!
Take care,
CG
I’m so physically, mentally, and emotionally tired. Today I had to cancel my therapy appointment because one of the kids became sick at school. After I hung up with the school nurse I heard me yelling at myself, at her, and I self-injured, but I didn’t even have a chance to think about it so I couldn’t stop.
And everything is a trigger! I see phallic shapes everywhere, words have double-meanings, and I can’t let the dogs lick me anymore (that makes them sad, which makes me feel bad, too). Nothing and nowhere is safe. I’ll be addicted to Xanax soon.
I did it again. You left such a supportive response and I am angry for no good reason. It honestly means a lot to me when you write a comment. I also enjoy reading your blog as you are farther along in healing than I am. I’m sorry, and thank you for writing.
It’s ok and good to be angry… feel free to vent to me and my comment all you want! I’m a safe to get angry at because I’m pretty anonymous and you can’t see my reaction. I’m not at all offended, hurt or put off by your response… It’s your blog and you can allow what you want here.
I’ve been in that place where everything is a trigger, and I still visit that place frequently. It stinks, it runs your life and makes you want to curl up and tell it all to stop. There’s nothing to grip onto to ground you in the present and it’s all rushing by in a blur of dissociation… The only thing you can do is breathe and try to take it a moment at a time.
I’m so sorry you self-injured… Try to remember who you are angry at (or should be angry at)… not you or your child, but the people who hurt you.
Please take care,
CG
“… feel free to vent to me and my comment all you want! I’m a safe to get angry at because I’m pretty anonymous and you can’t see my reaction. ” Thanks. That made me giggle.
Breathing isn’t isn’t as easy as it sounds! Whoever thought you sometimes need to remember to do it?
I hope you have a pleasant weekend.
L